Overwhelmed :/

It's such a horrible feeling knowing that you've done all you can and things still don't pan out. I've come to realize that no matter what I do, say, think our feel, there are somethings that I just can't change. I can't change the way my "significant other" and I argue day in and day out. Believe me, if I knew the remedy for it, I would have used it a long time ago. It's tiring and takes so much out of me mentally. It's overwhelming to be in such a hostile environment all the time. When we are not together all I think about is if she is okay, if she will make it home safe, will something horrible happen to her while we are having one of our down times, I think about holding her in my arms, and being romantic with her. All of these things and a thousand more thoughts run through my mind when we are not together. My love for her surpasses the love that I have for anyone else. (Except family of course) I say all of these things to say that I dont hate her. There are plenty of things that she does that drives me absolutely insane. She is unwilling or has not changed some of these things that were not present at the beginning of our relationship. There are also things that she does that makes me smile. I understand and except that our relationship will never be what it was at the beginning because we are in different mind frames and we have both changed. Ive changed more so from all things that I've experienced during the time that we have been together. I've also changed because of the negativity coming from this relationship. It has made me re-evaluate myself over and over again in attempt to figure what it is that I've been doing wrong. I know there are times where I can keep mouth closed or avoid arguments but I dont. I always have to let it be known how I really feel. Outspoken at the least.! Im not proud of it. I just wish there had been a way for us to come to a happy medium. I use "had" because I can no long allow this thing to hold me down. I have to move on from this. Clear my mind and make room for greater opportunities.

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♥ Im Winning ♥

I can remember countless situations and countless days when I wanted to give up. Not because Im a quitter or because Im lazy.. Well maybe me being semi-lazy does have something to do with it. Honestly, the main reason why I feel this way at times is because I always try to take on too much. I have a full load; 40 work hours and 15 credit hours at school, keeping my house neat and tidy, making sure that myself and others around me are taken care of among other things. It can be very overwhelming at times especially when something goes unplanned. Even through all the negativity, people telling me that I won't make it, people using the fact that Im gay to upset or question my authority, I still smile. Sometimes its hard to hold your head high when there are so many negative people and negative things around. God has blessed me with wisdom to use this negativity as my motivation. I have worked so hard to achieve the things that I have achieved within this last year. I have my own place, my own car, nice job, a supportive sister and a loveable girlfriend. Im blessed by the best and because of that IM WINNING.! ♥

??Relationships??

Life has its funny little way of showing you thing. I know, I know.. This saying is so cliche but its true. When you are at a point where you feel like just maybe I have some stablity, something comes again and show you different. Well more like someone. Its like having your own plans and then God shows you what He actually intended for you. My initial instinct is always to become angry or enraged But then I remember that my book is already written. I cant get mad at that. I just
:). My relationship with my love has been a wonderful journey. We've taught each other so much. We've learned even more from each other. Honesty, trust, committment, preserverance, tolerance and compromising dont come easy.! Trust me, I know first hand. I just wonder why its so hard to form neutral relationships with the people we love the most...

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No More Drama

Yesterday was so eventful with drama. I think I had more drama yesterday than Ive had in the last year combined. Wow. Family drama is the worst drama because its endless. At least when it comes to my family it is. Once again some drama was started within my family because I was putting my 2 cent© in. Problems will always exist within your family, (drugs, abuse, neglect, generational patterns) if no one is willing to take a stand and brake those cycles. Im always willing to put my 2 cents© in on a situation that I think is unfair. Moving right along to the friend drama.. So I found out through Facebook of course that one of my "friends" was dating my pathetic ex. Its wasnt the mere fact that they were dating that totally got under my skin. It enraged me to know that Juatoya would smile in my face, come to my house and gossip with me about this very individual but excluded the part about them dating. Ive never experienced such a blast of phoniness.! Unbelieveable. Clearly they deserve each other.! Been there done that. Life has an akward way of showing you things. At the end of the day, I still wake up with a smile on my face, thanking God for the day. :)

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Calculating Blessings

My job just recently transferred me to a new location: Downtown Chicago. At first, I was upset about the move for several reasons: catching the train to work everyday with smelly commuters didnt sound too good, leaving the mall to come to a brick and mortar store wasnt on my list of things to do and change is also something Im not too good with. Even though I was initially not too thrilled with the idea, this has become my second home. I love being in the middle of one of the greatest cities in the world..Chicago.! I run into people from many different backgrounds and all walks of life. I've met some really inspiring individuals since I've been here. The most inspirational individuals that I've run into would have to be those of the homeless community. According to thechicagoalliance.org, there are more than 77,000 homeless individuals in the city of Chicago alone. Even though that is a really huge number, its even more startling to know that this number is incorrect due to an inadaquate amount of help to serve these individuals. I am positioned on a corner where I can visible see 3 garbage cans. On a daily, almost hourly basis I watch homeless person about person dive into these garbage cans as if there are picking up items from a grocery store shelf. As often as myself and my other co-workers can, we clean out our refrigarator and gather items others stores (bakery, bagel shop) drop off and pass them out to the less fortunate. It's heartbreaking and I even cringe sometimes watching my own people barely survive through these conditions. Especially on days like today when its raining outside and no store front wants to open there doors to these individuals. I can only count my blessing and be thankful that God chose me.